Let's talk purpose. This post is not about your life's purpose, there are amazing books out there about finding your life's purpose. That ONE thing you were created to do, meant to do, and while I believe that is important, I am not qualified to even speak to that, I'm still exploring that for myself. This post is about assigning purpose to the daily things you do already. By recognizing and acknowledging that there is purpose to everything during our day (yes, even scrolling Instagram and Facebook and watching reality TV - my personal favorite is combining all of these after my kids go to bed), we help to eliminate, or at least reduce, some of that guilt you feel as you go through your day. It also helps us be intentional about our day.
Total side note ... As I have started publishing these posts, I worry about sounding too preachy. There are so many right ways to do things, so many right ways to structure your day, to make decisions. I just know that I struggled so mightily in my quest (and continue to struggle in my ongoing quest) to be the best mom, wife, friend and professional I can be, and I feel like while I have had so many amazing women to help guide me in certain areas, I really found myself flailing in others. If I can help another woman be encouraged, be more at peace with their days and weeks, then I'd like to give that to someone. With all of that said - nothing here is ever meant to be insulting or offensive, so please don't take it that way - and never am I trying to say I have all the answers, or the right answers. Just my thoughts and opinions, which change and evolve over time. If there's one thing you can take from this, I've been successful. So thank you for reading, and please always feel free to share your thoughts with me, I'd love to hear them!
Ok, so back to purpose. If you haven't identified the purpose to a part of your day, it's highly unlikely that you would acknowledge any value in it. If you believe there's no purpose to what you're doing, of course you're going to feel like you should be doing something else. One of my favorite speakers is Dave Ramsey, and I took his Financial Peace course years and years ago. One of the things that resonated with me is the need for a portion of your budget to use for discretionary purposes each month. If you fail to plan for it, you will immediately go over budget as soon as you spend that extra dollar. I feel like time for ourselves (especially as moms) is seen as wasteful or unnecessary, (or fill in your own word). Most of the time that lack of value and lack of purpose is assigned by us. Not by our spouse, not our support system, but us. How many times has my husband taken the time to do something that recharges him, not because I told him he should really take some time for him, but because he knows he needs it. I haven't always listened to my heart, to my body, and to my needs that way. I waited until I was beyond my breaking point, and then my request (or demand) came at an inopportune time, full of emotion - usually anger, and near hysteria. I have learned to take time for me when I start noticing that I need it. While I can have a calm, reasonable conversation about it, and I have time to plan it (before I break down). We put this pressure on ourselves to do it all, to be superwoman, and to never ask for help (gasp!) That did nobody in my family any good, and I can tell you that taking more me-time has significantly changed my life, my mood, and my family's happiness.
Work: The Daily Grind (or is it?) I believe it all starts with identifying our purpose for working, our reason. Why do you work? If you don't believe there is a reason for you to work, to leave your children and be at an office, you will always feel guilt about being away. Some moms work out of financial necessity, they would not otherwise be able to put food on the table for their family. Some work because they love the challenge, or the stimulation. They long for that mentally stimulating part of their day. Some work to support the lifestyle they became accustomed to before they had kids, when they were DINKs (Dual income no kids) households. Some work for the sense of achievement they feel at the office, and the sense of order that sometimes doesn't exist in our personal lives, especially with newborns and toddlers. It doesn't matter your reason, it doesn't matter if it's a little of all of the above. They are all good reasons, there are no bad reasons. And each of these reasons put us in a place where we work, and are able to set a good example for our kids, and teach them about work ethic, and finances, and doing things because we need to. If we don't see the reason we work as a positive, it's hard not to feel guilt, and it's tougher to teach our kids these valuable lessons. Recognize and acknowledge the reason you work.
'Home' Life - Everything else Assigning purpose to your day is not just about work. I find by assigning purpose (and therefore value) to the other parts of my day too, I actually feel comfortable with what I'm doing, and it allows me to be all in while I'm there. To be present. So here are a couple quick ones for you ...
Talking to your kids about their day without checking your work email on your phone. Teach them to talk to someone by looking them in the eye, engaging in back and forth conversation. You'd be surprised how many kids don't know how to do that. Teach them to be respectful of the people they interact with during their life. Make 3D real life connections, not just on technology.
Working out. Hello stress relief, endorphin release, confidence (swagger), need I say more? Teaching your kids to prioritize themselves and their health. One question I ask myself frequently is whether or not I'm setting an example to my kids I want them to mirror. (This is a constant reset for me!) Why is it that we value our kids bodies, our kids health, our kids self esteem, but not our own? Set the example you want them to mirror.
Unwinding / Zone Out time. i.e. Instagram, Facebook, (whatever your current form of social media is - I'm not up with the hip ones), Reality TV. After a long day, sometimes I need to just let my mind rest. This is helpful to my mood. If I recognize it for what it is, I do it guilt free, I fully enjoy it, I allow it to actually recharge me, and I'm more intentional about the amount of time I spend doing it.
Reading. Pre-kids my vacations were spent reading books for fun. Relaxing, reading, sleeping, you know, life that will probably never exist again. Now, if I take the time to read even one chapter before bed, it's a game changer for me. I'm either reading something fun, something I want to learn more about, or something inspiring. I feel zero guilt when I fall asleep before I open the book, but on those nights I do read, it's amazing.
Wine with a girlfriend. Is there a woman out there that doesn't value girl talk, a glass of your favorite beverage of choice, and a quiet hour (or three) without a single responsibility?!? Just talking, laughing, (maybe crying), but sharing life and connecting. Connecting outside the inter webs, connecting in person. It does wonders for my soul.
The happier I am, the more fulfilled I feel, the better mom I am, the better wife I am, the better employee I am. It's the halo effect. The combination of good things happening in your life builds momentum, and helps you better deal with the less than perfect moments life throws your way. So assign some purpose to things you do, take time for you, take time to recharge, allow yourself some "discretionary" time each day (even if it's 15 minutes before bed) and recognize the benefit it brings to your life. Be present at work, know why you're there, be present at home, relish that time, and be present for yourself.
You have amazing gifts and talents. Why do you feel guilty about using those gifts?